WWJD - Column 5
Uncover the truth! Expose the infidels! If there are no truths or infidels…try and make it believable.
Intrigued? Read on!
Guttentag, bonjour, hola, hello, ciao! After a year’s absence, the WWJD team are finally back in the office after a small reshuffle, minor coup d’etat and six months in quarantine. It’s been a hell of a time, but we are all glad to be back and ready to roll out the infamous and altogether unique column that aims to tease, please, and occasionally provide mild discomfort to its readers, all in the time it takes to drink a nice cup of a tea with a hobnob or two. Please, spare the staff any jokes about soggy biscuits…
And so let’s get down to business. Coming up! The things people say in “I have never”, Tiefi tour; recapping the moments, themed socials; conspiracies and ideas, and not to forget the wonderful emergence of Death by Sexy, a chance to cross swords with the Master Bailey BSc (Hons) QMD, HSBC, OCD…
But first we should take a moment to discuss Freshers’ and trees. An interesting topic, one that never finds itself done enough justice in the media, and so it is of course the job of this column to bring that matter into the cold hard light of day. The WWJD Team want to stress that this is a serious Health & Safety matter, one that causes people a great deal of anguish and pain if it occurs. Trees. AVOID THEM! The amount of paper work the Committee would have to go through if they ever lost one of the flock to a tree would be astronomical, and serious cases of RSI would result from all the form signing to be done. So the next time one of you thinks about challenging a tree to a game of chicken, please, common sense aside, think of a Committee member. They are for life, not just Christmas (no matter how pretty they may look wrapped up in bows with fairy lights…more on this later).
As always though, the aim of this column is to inform and educate, so what follows is a quick 10 step program to avoiding trees and saving the Committee a bunch of paperwork, and you an untimely swim ;)
1) Paddle away from overhanging trees!
2) Keep paddling away from them until they are past you! Tree’s are living and as such can sneak up on you if ignored. In this case, it pays to think of the tree as a puppy seeking attention. They will keep pestering you while within range.
3) If you decide to play with said puppy (tree), kiss the deck! Literally, this will avoid you experiencing what most people would call natures extreme exfoliating facial scrub, in short, cheese grating your face with a branch.
4) If all else fails, follow an experienced paddler, hopefully they will not lead you astray…and also avoid being pushed into trees by people in green boats.
5) To make this a 10 step program, read through this again!! It pays to be diligent and not take metaphors too literally ;)
Advice imparted? You choose!
Socials. Themed and planned yes, that’s all well and true, heaven help the club with an unplanned unthemed social, god knows where people would end up, or what they would look like. Most likely one or more of the club would be naked, and that’s fine, it’s the sign of a good night or too much alcohol…usually both. But let us not stray from the conspirital utterings of schemed socials! Yes, weeks of undercover work by our utterly untrained and incompetent reporters, often in similar guises to those worn on a Wednesday night social has yielded results, and much to our surprise as well! The club social secretary, who for legal reasons cannot be named, has designed entire socials around her wardrobe, and flagrantly admits it n’all! The cheek of it! Just think ladies and gents, that each week, there is always the chance that the theme for the evening will be a strappy top, short skirt and heels, with makeup to boot! I for one am appalled by these implications. Now for the ladies this may not be such an issue, but gentlemen, beware! The conspiracy arises. Has the weekend just gone past not been one of the Tiefi Tour, with a Rocky Horror theme? Men in tights? Short skirts and strappy tops? Makeup!? Ring any bells!!? The shocking revelation that WWJD presents is one that has been right under our noses all this time. What we wear is being dictated by the club! Club hoodies, club t-shirts! Rumours abound of club underwear and socks!! I for one advocate club underwear due to its great potential (see website for clues on this one), but I warn you against the future. We must protest! The column would support anyone in favour of making a stand. For one week, the social must be themed according to someone else’s wardrobe! And please, chaps, lets not make it jeans and a t-shirt. A little creativity goes a long way, and that means more than an ironed shirt too! Vive la revolution!
And so we progress in the timely fashion of a drunk…forwards and slightly side to side. Steady now.
I Have Never, the quintessential pub game. Like a Sunday morning lie-in, life just wouldn’t be the same without it. So pray tell what appendage did one committee member put down the Presidents saxophone? A browse of pictures on Facebook will reveal all! Be warned, not for the faint hearted. Alternatively, a bit of wild speculation, hearsay and conjecture never went amiss in the club, so feel free to discuss amongst yourselves!
Steady…
Has the time come to rattle sabres with Death By Sexy? Once the office team get their heads round the mixed metaphors, conjecture (popular within the club) and outright philosophy of the article, indeed! Whether it is deemed hostile to this column or not only time and small amounts of alcohol will tell.
And so, like a BT phoneline, we find ourselves suddenly cut-off. Until the next time folks, keep on smiling, and watch out for the Meat Spin fairy!
LOVE IS LIKE CANDY ON A SHELF, YOU WANT TO TASTE AND HELP YOURSELF, THE SWEETEST THINGS ARE THERE FOR YOU, HELP YOURSELF, TAKE A FEW, THAT’S WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO. Not very Christian really but these are Modern Days, and it was Tom Jones that said those words anyway.