WWJD - Column 4
Uncover the truth! Expose the infidels! If there are no truths or infidels…try and make it believable.
On the cards today, fate, fortune and mystery! Why did the chicken cross the road, who is the real Mr. Anderson, what time is it Mr. Wolf? You’ve all heard the saying “How many roads must a man walk down?” read on to find out!
We begin as it was foretold all those columns ago. Good versus Evil, lets face it, if it’s gone on for over 2000 years, there HAS to be something to it. Maybe it’s a sport in the afterlife, or a favourite past time, or just something to PASS the time, you know, the old guy with the beard and the other one with the pointy beard, “no hard feelings and all that, but we’re bored so we’re going to play with some Angels or Brimstone, depending on what takes our fancy.” Some of us might suggest that maybe a passionate game of chess might have been a better idea than 2000 years of war and religion to pass the time…
Yes of course, Heaven and Hell! The social! What stories can be told of that! What deeds can be printed down for all to see! WHO was that staggering drunk up the hill? Why did certain people end up with red hand marks in various places? Surely the devils mark! How many more times will men wear women’s clothing before they get the picture? What is the picture? You’d like to know that wouldn’t you…
Alas, I was not present at the time. Trapped in a mans body, limited to being only in only 3 places at once, the good word was instead spread by angels, people in glitter and tight tops, and a drunk monk. Don`t you know red wine is sacred? Kudos to all those that put in that little bit of extra special effort to look the part. We all know who you are, the photos do you justice. The camera even adds a special glint into your eyes. Some people also say it adds 10 lbs but trials are still underway as we currently test that hypothesis.
Before divulging anymore of the mysteries of the Universe, a quick word of thanks to this columns benefactors, without whom, we would all be far worse off. Thank you benefactors. You know who you are! This includes feeding and watering and occasionally offering a couch to sleep on, but NOT the use of a dirty sleeping bag. I won’t say anymore than that…
What to say? Normally by now I think of something witty or slightly amusing to put down. But instead I think I will comment on the increased turnouts at the pool sessions. Well done people, it wouldn’t be the same without you. We now have to push harder for a record. I think having 40 people in the pool at one session would be sufficiently amusing to warrant a big party afterwards. You know it`s doable.
If you read the comment above and the first thought in your mind was “might be a little crowded” then our heartfelt sympathies go out to you from all the team here in the office. Truly, you are a special person. Special people are what life is all about though. Should you come across anyone special, look after them. This is as far as I will go on touching anything Valentine`s Day like.
…Hardly romantic…but if you could find the words…find the courage to say what needs to be said…then go on, do it! Tell the barman you ordered a pint of Worthingtons and not a pint of Brains, and DAMN HIM for getting it wrong!
Who is the real Mr. Anderson? Geraint! Who? Grr! You all know him, the loveable rogue who likes to wet his whistle every now and then (5-10 minutes by my watch) with the ole tipple. Do not confuse him with the OTHER Mr. Anderson. Despite his amazing powers, there can be no competition about the winner of a blood and guts game of the A-Z of anything. For more information on this please call 07702151472 (maybe this is a bad idea giving out the number…) and ask for Sally. If you just say “Hi”, then don`t expect the person at the other end of the line to play along. It won`t work. Please quote this article at the time of making the call. Ideally, you will be outside in a very noisy place too, as it actually makes you MORE audible to the person on the other end of the line. This common fact is often misinterpreted as being a myth and stupid.
That’s enough crap for the time being, time for some real stuff.
A weekend just gone past (11th-12th Feb) was something a bit special. A few days of paddling in England and Wales. Yep. We don`t do small things. Ask us to do something, and we will head as far as we can to do even the simplest of tasks. Why go paddling in Wales, when you could easily take a 4 hour minibus journey to Nottingham? The number of people that would fail to see this as a good option is staggering, leading this writer to believe that only the elite few really saw the truth. That half of the minibus came back and were progressively ill for the next few days, well, no pain, no gain. Drink Coca-Cola!
Need to wrap this up because things have gone on far too long. Needless to say, a reprieve for a would-be Infidel this time. Good deeds redeem even the most unholy of us, and well, if I don`t put them in THIS time, it will just make them more anxious about NEXT time. HaHA!
THINK DORSET, AND REPEAT AFTER ME; THIS WEEK I BE MOSTLY WEARING STICKY TOFFEE PUDDING…MMM…STICKY TOFFEE PUDDING. THEN GO AND LIE IN A TROUGH AND LET THE FARM ANIMALS LICK YOU CLEAN, AND THAT’S HOW YOU TAKE A BATH IN THE SOUTHERN COUNTRYSIDE. THIS WRITING IS GETTING SMALLER. IF IT APPEARS TO BE THE SAME SIZE, IT IS BECAUSE YOU ARE SUBCONCIOUSLY MOVING YOUR HEAD CLOSER TO THE SCREEN TO READ IT. CAREFUL, CAREFUL, WATCH IT!...OOO, THAT MUST HAVE HURT.