WWJD - Column 3
Uncover the truth! Expose the infidels! If there are no truths or infidels…try and make it believable. This week though, have a break, take the week off. The Infidels too!
Before reading this article, please make sure you have switched off all electrical appliances, drank 3 cups of coffee (black no sugar), read the headlines of at least two GOOD daily newspapers (try the Independent and Guardian for their light yet engaging articles with a little splash of humour) and had at least a quarter of your recommended daily intake of fruit and vegetables; for those of your dining in Penbryn, I`m sorry that this last statement is not possible. But go round to flat D6 in Cwrt Mawr and ask for Nicki and she will sort you out with a decent meal and plenty to drink.
Now, I hope you are sitting comfortably. This is a simple, light hearted read, nothing too taxing at this time. Think how you feel as you read on, how relaxed you are, how comfortable and amiable you are feeling toward all your friends. Deep breathes, slow, deep, relaxed breathes…yes, you feel it, it’s the beginnings of inner peace and contentment. Good. Remember how this feels. The next WWJD you read will be shocking to the core, and will have you on the edge of your seat as you struggle to comprehend the amazing feats and deeds that occurred in the Heaven and Hell social. Names will be named, and reference will be made to photos. No one is safe, no one is immune.
Deep breaths…
The week gone past has been very relaxed. The world has never seen so many loafers in one seaside town! What has everyone been doing? Certainly not work. Except maybe Dan aka Tango Man in Morrisons.
The rest of you have been illicitly using up money and fresh air in the pursuit of happiness with great success. I think everyone has a right to know that this has been possible at all after the trauma of the exams, and maybe can be used as an example in years to come.
So where to begin? We might start on a Friday long ago, with a certain birthday for one Mr Ali Moyle. A resounding success of a night out, the chunder count in the morning was SIX people! That’s right, another six victims for Ali`s score book. By the end of the semester he will have you all. Just be thankful that this time, it was he who drank those dirty, dirty pints.
Another day another dawn, followed by some interestingly spelled places and waves that looked good enough to surf on. Saturday was Ynyslas.
Sunday was another regular calendar day, a day either side of it, dawn and dusk bang on time, limited amounts of sunshine…hot weather in the tropics.
Pool sessions on a Monday. Attendance has been low, undercover reporting shows reasons to be bad, non-existent, poor, unlikely, controversial, illegal, unsound, colourful and exotic. For those in the pool however, times have been relaxed and chilled out. Aside from the usual Pool Pirate antics (taking the usual guise of Nathaniel sinking boats and stealing treasure) the sessions pass the time like John Smiths and Malibu would if they ever combined “smoothly does it” with “seriously easy going”. Ignore the fact you are mixing lager and rum. This is art, not reality, expressionism does not always conform. As always, this column aims to expand the readers mind, so let go of your shackles of knowledge, rational thought and logic. Star Trek and Mr. Spock were once, but are no longer cool. He belongs firmly in the outlaw garage, somewhere where more people, places and random things will be sent when they are deemed hostile to this column or bad for peoples health, however ironic that last statement may be.
And so we move on. Tuesdays is always a good day. Again, nothing much happened here, and my informers have been paid enough to let me know if anything of significance occurs, so really, well done on Tuesday people. You did absolutely nothing!
Wednesday was a good`n too. Another day and another social. Quite a drunk one if I recall. Many people were having the usual slurred conversations, which are incredibly easy to understand by other drunk people, but near impossible to gauge what is being said by anyone sober. I was fantastically sober at the time, which is why I have wiped it from memory. Still, one fleeting moment of coherence was salvaged from a conversation in Spoons, the subject of the next rant.
Ask yourself this question. When someone tells you the surf will be really good in the morning, especially on the push (?) and you make your way to the boathouse for a 9 a.m. silly start, do you doubt the evidence when the sea is as flat as a pancake and your reliable source is nowhere to be found? Uh huh. Rhys! We went North to Ynyslas, and you went to a super secret surfers only beach down south! We had water that I will try and describe. As flat as a pancake on a flat table in Holland! You had water roughly equal to surf! 4 ft breakers as I recall. Viewers at home, I urge you to remember this face! Sinister things are afoot…We have identified our first Infidel!
The above conversation also raises the question, do you really trust what people tell you in pubs. I know that many a pub goer can be a fountain of wisdom and knowledge. Why, I think everyone can say without a shadow of a doubt, that their lives have been positively improved via pub conversations. So this is all the more shameful to learn that the ones you love the most, can also hurt you the most. I never thought ANYONE would lie to me in a pub…how can alcohol do such things!!!???
…But on the plus side, with no surf at Ynyslas that day, we all trooped off to the top of Constitution Hill for an awesome game of Frisbee Golf! You always think it would be a stupid idea to play Frisbee at the top of a windy hill…and you know, you`re right too. But somehow, the Frisbee`s always seem to stay on top of the hill, no matter HOW hard you throw them. Sure, they land in gorse bushes at 30° inclines, sure, gorse bushes hurt, and yes, you can spend 5 minutes looking for a lost Frisbee if you are Grr and throw with EITHER arm to be honest, but NO, the Frisbee will never leave the top of the hill. I challenge you all, to come up Constitution Hill and play more Frisbee golf to see just how true this is.
There is so much still to be said, but tune in next time to catch up on more random stuff and see just HOW FAR I will go out of my way to do anything other than the work which I should be doing.
In the next column too...”Things that were missed out in this column…and MORE!”
Bailey asked me to end the column posthumously with – “To alcohol, may we find what we're looking for at the bottom of a glass”
I like the saying and all, but I think we can all agree, that at the bottom of every glass, in the canoe club at any rate, there are always several dirty pennies that various people have slipped into the drink in a futile attempt to get said person to down their beverage. It`s not big, and it`s not clever!
SHE SELLS SEASHELLS ON THE SEA SHORE. WE SELL SEASHELLS ON THE SEA SHORE FROM THE SEAFLOOR. SHE SELLS SEA SHELLS FROM THE SEA FLOOR ON THE SEA SHORE.