WWJD - Column 2
Uncover the truth! Expose the infidels! If there are no truths or infidels…try and make it believable.
After the resounding success and Pulitzer Prize for the previous column, albeit a pilot column, the second column comes hard and fast at you out of the middle of nowhere! While you had your nose stuck in revision notes, these manic fingers were dancing over the keyboard to produce something altogether a bit special. And now you look up and WAP! WWJD column number two is staring you in the face. Hard hitting, gritty news at its best, read on!
In the headlines this time, Whip cracking, what’s the big deal? How NOT to revise. Socials and ass slapping. Challenge Lowri 2006. Law; the funny side, and much much more.
Let’s kick off on a light note. The best way to revise, some say, is to plaster post-it notes all over your wall, stick books and revision notes on every available surface, and create new and exciting dimensions of space using the simple yet delightfully clever and ever versatile…cardboard box. Once your room is sufficiently messy, the finishing touch to the recipe involves playing music and chatting on MSN while all the time, absorbing the knowledge through your skin in an as yet, unexplained scientific phenomena that somehow enables you to learn without trying. The best way then to NOT revise, is to attempt revision in the boathouse with such things as a Laptop with music and Futurama, Poy, and Neil…on caffeine. Of course, you all know this, and only someone really dumb or blindly optimistic would ever attempt such a feat. This is a column aimed at intellectuals of course, so I ask you, as always, just to sit back and consider for a moment this astonishingly bright idea, revision in the boathouse.
Moving on to later that fateful Wednesday evening (18th Jan 2006 for time travellers, where sadly not everything moves chronologically). Yes, ye unfaithful flock. There was a social. “I had exams!” I hear you cry. Your protests fall on deaf ears. We all know that there are 24 hours in a day (thanks to that awesome TV series), and only 4 of them at most are needed for sleep. That leaves plenty of time for drunkenness and debauchery of all kinds, though for this writer, drunkenness is now at a premium due to moral, ethical, financial, social, personal, unbelievable, enlightened, and good reasons. I will only accept witty criticism in response to this stance.
But what happened at the social? Pizza at Inn-on the Pier. This place will become renowned in history, not simply for the amazing, “buy one, get one for £1 offer” but also, as soon as scientist can uncover the reason for the superheavydense cheese that goes onto the topping. It truly is amazing.
However, by far the highlight of the evening…no, it wasn’t the constant ass-slapping involving literally everyone, though, mmm yes, what a memorable time was had by all involved there anyway…(…)…NO! It was infact the unexpected defeat of Neil by non other than our beloved President Lowri at a game of Pool! The forfeit was dropping of the kegs for the wannabe hustler. Yes, you’ve all heard about it, challenge Lowri 2006, the perfect opportunity to tear apart Kitten One and under the guise of good intentions. When the cops come calling about a game of scouring gone wrong though (check the website), be careful in your use of the phrase “…Well, she asked for it”.
Trying to maintain a respectable level of respectability no less, this columnist stresses what an excellent opportunity this is to help out a friend and indeed a nation! So pull off the dozy blanket, and drag yourself and Lowri and maybe some other mates too out for some fun sporting activity. In my current state though, this feels like a trip to the Co-Op.
Apparently quoted from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, the following phrases are meant to brighten up your day.
Q. Are you sexually active?
A. No, I just lie there.
Q. What is your date of birth?
A. July 15th
Q. What year?
A. Every year.
Q. Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q. Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in their sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
Q. Did you actually pass the bar exam?
There a more quotes on the website, and bundles of them in the book, so depending on what takes your fancy, either check out Anothersite.co.uk or for the full reading, go to amazon.com and type in the title of the book!
…And so the social came to an end in Bae, as memory recalls. Foggy memory and tiredness make recollection vaguely unlikely. Various other bars and beverages were involved along the way, and something to do with monkey bars and scaffolding. Ow, and if anyone has any other relevant info from recent times (again, time-travellers, a minority and subjugated group, are not welcome) drop this editor a line and be sure to leave your name and number and probable time and place, i.e. Scholars at 7, where this information can deftly and discreetly change hands. As some great minds have said, sometimes the only thing to do is point and laugh. So make sure you get your story across first!
THIS IS NOT A DRAFT, HOLD THE WRITER RESPONSIBLE AT YOUR OWN PERIL. YOU ALL KNOW OF THE BIG CHEESE. I KNOW THE BIG CHEESE! TRUTH OF ACTUAL EVENTS SUBJECT TO INTERPRETATION. MAY NOT BE ACURATE. HIGH PROBABILITY OF LIES OR EXAGGERATIONS. LIKELY BREACH OF COPYRIGHT. PURPLE TOASTER, BLUE REINDEER. READING THIS MAY CAUSE TEMPORARY LOSS OF SANITY AND/OR PROBLEMS EATING CHEESE. PIE IS 3.14159, YOU ALL KNOW THE SONG,