Death By Sexy - Column 1

Tomorrow comes a day too soon!

Whilst pondering the many implications of committing to an article for letsgetwet, it struck me that, while my sometimes archaic use of the English language and often elongated manner of addressing written challenges is the proverbial ‘double edged sword’, it has not always had such a purpose. While the forum gives me an outpost for what have come to be known as my ramblings, the manner in which I go about my replies is almost purely off the cuff, and the last time I found it necessary to commit myself to lengthy typing for any real reason was my dissertation. Therefore I decided to hark back to the days of old, where, as many of the readers will soon become familiar with, the dissertation came to rule my life for that briefest of spells of insanity (and it truly was, looking back it was hilarious but I went fairly mad at the time, I assure you).

My first article, therefore, will be an effort to impart the knowledge and experience of age (21, yes, but the experience remains, they don’t call me David Bailey BSc (Econ) Hons. for kicks. Well, they don’t call me that at all, but the point remains, I'm a graduate now, and a decisively bitter one at that, but ill leave you to reach that conclusion later on). Fear not, I predict that the formality of said impartation won’t last long. But as I struggle to channel my efforts to produce something resembling entertainment for those I miss so much, I cannot help but think that, at the very least the article will be useful if not entertaining. After a year’s worth of typing diversely popular emails (and hopefully, one more year’s worth of typing the occasional guest email) I have learnt from the constructive criticism offered me; that being “the shorter the better”. This is perhaps more telling to some, as I have noticed just how much of what we read, say and do can be applied to our everyday lives if we wish it so. So take heed those of you who have not yet had such an epiphany, people are clever, despite what appearance may suggest when looking at those on the silly side on those fateful Wednesday nights. What you say reflects on you more than you’ll ever think. In fact, I can’t help but think that, in reading this so far, every single person will be reaching a different conclusion about me – predictably ranging from the good to the very bad, and frankly insane. I know myself just what I think of this, and I cant say it’s great, but who am I to say what others will think? I’ll tell you…

For the freshers out there, who may have accidentally stumbled upon some frankly hard reading; I’m Bailey, and what I have said and done in the past will no doubt be hilariously distorted by the rumour mill of the Club itself (oh yes, the Club shall henceforth be referred to as an entity), again, from the good to the bad. I hope that years from now, I would have left some legacy, be it a president in red felt trousers, or the sour taste of a dirty pint drunk from a shoe in a newly elected secretary’s mouth, but a legacy nonetheless. I think, on some level, all of us hope that. The next slice of wisdom imparted, then, is that, when you see people wearing tea cosy hats, getting naked in public, sleeping under beds, dressing as pencils or continuing drinking rituals that seem quite frankly absurd, remember that they themselves are leaving their legacy. Leave yours too. (I’m actually quite happy with how deep that went! Though I realise I risk sentences such as that being misquoted).

This far in, I cannot help but allude to one of my inspirations and highlight one theme that some or none may have noticed – that being the predecessor WWJD column, and it’s first issue running on a similarly obscure good versus bad theme. I cannot say that this was planned, but then, who plans good versus evil? Perhaps you have already found the answer in between the lines of a literary work, or perhaps you are waiting for me to answer it. Well, the best I can do is pay homage to WWJD as an inspiration, and perhaps accredit it with the blurb of answering such questions in a better way than I.

Such a self-destructive attitude may strike you as odd, referring readers elsewhere, but is it not the self-destruction inherent in every paddler that drives us? Which, in a typically roundabout way, brings me back to my efforts to impart dissertation advice. Well, for those of you who are ‘looking ahead’ (for want of a better expression) to a time of sore fingers, sore eyes and boredom (no, it’s not a double entendre aimed at Grr’s bedroom exploits – as harsh and low as such a comment might be) I can advise 3 things:

The first and most important is one that I hope all paddlers will be able to connect with. You need to be comfortable to work. Therefore, believe me or not, I honestly think that the most important thing that anyone can do, dissertation or no dissertation, is get naked. Try and tell me that you don’t like being naked. You may laugh, or you may cry at the thought, but writing an essay naked is an experience that all should partake in. Is it worth giving in to curiosity to find out how it will affect your marks? I’ll leave that for you to decide. At the same time, I think it might be interesting to point out that some amongst you will be wondering if, typing as I am, I remain clothed right now. Well, a drama student once told me to always leave them wanting more, so that question will be answered when I think that curiosity will attract just one reader to my failing article and ratify my efforts. Still, I can at least be glad that my time is not wasted elsewhere. So my next homage is to you, the reader. You’ve done a thoroughly nice thing for me, ratifying the time I have spent on this. Expect some good karma, if you indeed believe in such a force. And if not, perhaps explore the prospect of karma next time you are without interest? If nothing else it may spring your own budding article or provide an excuse to watch My Name Is Earl and inadvertently relate it to your own lives (except my life has no hot Latino housemaid, more’s the pity).

Still, as expected, I digress. To my second piece of advice then. This structured writing I have found myself in must be helping the lazier readers, but I have to admit, it’s not really working for me. My apologies if you have just wasted the time it has taken you to read this far only to be told to get naked. I'm sure that you do not need or want me to tell you that. (if you do, I’m sorry Grr, but I wouldn’t feel right about it, I'm just not that kind of guy, despite the bountiful rumours and admittedly sometimes misleading attire I found myself in). So, Gem two: The National Library of Wales is an oasis in a world of distractions, noise, laziness and general apathy. I cannot understate how much they saved my degree (as you will witness if you flick back through their guestbook, I told them just that). I merely wish that I had someone to tell me so 3 years ago. Therein reveals one motivation for these efforts. Try it. And the tea from the restaurant comes highly recommended from a definitive tea boy. If you already use “the Nash” (oh yes, that makes it cool.) then I am afraid all I can say is that my advice and your reading is lessened, but read on, you might not be disappointed. Then again, you might be. Such is life. (I'm surprising myself with just how serious this has been, I hope it is passable despite this). Unfortunately, I fear the intention has been misled, but I'm sure the abuse/constructive criticism will provide a funnier next issue, or spell the end of my brief exploits in to the exclusive club known as the article section. Still, don’t let it put you off me, typing, or reading. Though I have to say, I would probably take pleasure in holding such influence over someone to the point where I can inadvertently decide what they enjoy after an indirect encounter with me. The good and the evil once more drives you to WWJD.

Thus we arrive at the culmination of my ventures into the world of literary creation, and the consequence of my willing to advise. The third and final piece of advice that all those struggling with work, or quizzical as to what a lonely graduate can offer, remains the efforts of your reading. This slither of advice then – Don’t listen to any one else.

As extensively as this will again relate to the rest of your life, it remains for you to interpret. Will you be of the thought that I mean that in a deep and telling way? Or of the thought that I mean to refer to those who instruct you as to timetables, workloads, reading and advice? Or of the thought that, after all of this, I have told you not to listen to me? Perhaps that option hadn’t struck you. But as Neil, amongst others, will tell you listening to me may not be worth your time. Who knows? Neil thinks he does, but then again, don’t we all?

So then, to the conclusion (I found that apt in its relation to essay writing and the workload you will no doubt be facing) I can only apologise if this has not been what you expected, and encourage you all (including any freshers that may have been enlightened as to the part of the Club’s history that I share with so many others) to offer me the feedback I require. As with the rest of life, you need feedback – whether that be found in the faces and eyes of others or in the abuse or hugs they throw your way. If I have wasted your time, my get-out clause is that I did tell you not to listen to anyone else. Therein lies one purpose of that third snippet of an insight in to my mind as it exists now. I leave you now, in the hope that some food for thought has been gleaned from this mental pallet. If not, I recommend finding that film, song or book that changed your life and taking that in once more time. Only this time, get naked.

B.